Dear Father.

I wrote this in my prayer journal after i heard that Goldie died. I decided to share this because i kind of just felt the need to.

  

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                                                                                             15^th Feb, 2013

Dear God,

I know people die everyday. Even when we are not aware at all, all over the world. But its hits you when its someone you can put a name and face  to *sigh*

After death, that’s it. No more trying to live for you, I read “Pray for her soul” and your words clearly says after death judgement? Means there is so much “praying for the soul” that can be done after. They are really gone. Sadly, a lot of people will go back to their lives after this.

I’m not anywhere close to where I want to be in you, so not. This. Is. A. wake. Up. Call.

Please, please. Help me.

I want to confidently write down someday “When you hear I am dead, don’t believe because – then just then will I be more alive- alive in Christ”

I want to confidently write that, please Lord. Everything just seems so insignificant all of a sudden. I want you, I want more of you. Help me.

I don’t care what the world thinks, I want to be all about you. I am all about you, nothing more, nothing less.

Because at the end of the day, the walk with you is a personal walk.

Thank you so very much for the gift of life, Life is indeed a gift because with life there is still hope, hope for an inheritance…Thank you for the opportunity you are giving me again to chase after you and your kingdom.

I am not better. No special talent. I still roll my eyes when I get sent on errands. I still have negative thoughts, I still battle with my flesh, I still judge people, I wrestle with the voice that is contrary to what I believe in my head, I still keep quiet about my faith so people wont say “Your own is too much” I don’t love my neighbor, not to talk of loving them as myself, not like I have a greater measure of grace. I. Am. So. Not. Worthy. But you count me worthy.

Yet (Everyday you wake me up) You think I am worthy of this opportunity – Again

Then why wont I chase after you? Why wont I want to love you back with all that I have and all that I am? Why wont I be eternally grateful for the littlest things? Why wont I package my patched up imperfect love and give it all to you?

I will search. I will try my best (even if its not good enough) to please you. I will chase you because someday I want to fall at your feet and say “Thank you for loving me so perfectly” in person.

Help me. Grace. Mercy,

Your Imperfect daughter,

Tomilola.

May her soul rest in perfect peace.