I am a dreamer and not the "I have a dream" kinda dreamer. I dream like joseph, a lot of times I forget but there are some particular dreams I remember.
Two days ago I took a nap and I had this dream, the content I can't remember but a certain someone held up a bible verse to me Exodus 7:8-9 then I woke up.
I know my last post said "Stay Positive" and all but it ain't that easy, I can only try as a human in the end I'm not perfect. Last week was a pretty rough week for me so seeing that verse, I just wanted to figure out what was in it for me. It reads...
"The Lord said to moses and Aaron. When pharaoh says to you 'perform a miracle' then say to Aaron, 'Take your staff and throw it down before pharaoh' and it would become a snake"
Before I opened it, I thought it was going to be a straight forward "encouragement verse" but I got more confused "moses" "Aaron" "staff" "snake" "miracles" *phew* then I started thinking about what the meaning could be to me and I was totally blank I got sleepy and it started coming to me. Let's analyse shall we?
There was a man with an ordinary staff in his hands, God knew he would be asked to perform a miracle and told him to drop the staff and it would turn to a snake right? Yeah. Ok.
"He had a staff", not he gave him a staff "Throw it down" Action "It would turn to snake" result
So this is how I see it. We all HAVE something in us that we probably don't know would be of use and the world is there (pharaoh in this case) waiting to see what we have to offer, so we have to act for us to get results. Let's bear in mind that Moses and Aaron did not practice to see the miracle would really happen if they drop the staff, they went and dropped it with faith.
Before now my worry has been what I would do after service, thing is my dad wants me to go for masters and that's not what I want but I'm just scared that what I want may not work out, maybe this verse was all I needed to assure me that he's got me.
So what's my point exactly? Everything we need we have, we just don't know it yet. This is telling us that no matter what we should take the dive with faith, God would DEFINITELY catch us and give us our miracle..
I knew I was walking home to my death sentence as I held the
report sheet that held the collective effort of my second year in secondary
school, it read “To repeat jss II”. Hoping I wont meet her, I walked home
crying like a baby, oh yeah a baby crying over spilt milk and asking myself the “why” questions, the
rustle in the kitchen brought me back to life and reminded me that I was closer
to death. Handing over the report and handing watching the calm look on
her face, my worst fears came alive. I was going to die that day.
Resting on the red railings with my huge purple bucket in
hand coming from the stream, he passed and sneezed “Thunder” I would have
ignored like I normally do, but it had gotten to the height, even my junior now
calls me the name? Tears in my eyes, head down, I walk away, as always. Oh, how
did I get the name? That haunted me for 2years in a new school? Thought you’d
never ask.
Fresh from Lagos to
Ife, little or zero Yoruba, first test – Yoruba test and I see stuff I cant
translate, the only question I seem to understand is “kini Sango mafin ja” (what does sango fight with) racking
my brain for the translation of the answer from the beginning to almost the end
of the test, 5 mins more and I scribbled “Thunder”
If only I knew that,
that single act would end my social life in my new school I would have gotten
my zero jejeli as against the 1, the Thunderous laughs that came from the class
after the teacher asked me to identify myself for writing English in her test
and the remaining 2 years of humiliation. If only.
Staring into the dark from my backyard, I can’t actually
believe I’m in 300l seriously? With good grades? Wow! It still felt like
yesterday hearing those words that still sting
“why did your dad insist you go to
secondary school”
“ I warned him”
“you should have gone to primary
six”
“you were too young”
“you are leaving that school”
“…….useless”
I had never heard my mum use such word on anyone but it came
to me anyway and once again I wept like a baby. So would you blame me when I
was excited I heard the same mouth say
“You know the child you thought
couldn’t do good…..”
“you know what I mean right?”
Although she didn’t complete her statement, it meant the world, but not for
long.
I saw her iron the cloth, my princess-y white gown although
I was one, I remember that part, its all blurry from here but I also remember
the confession, she had put something in my dress, she was is a witch,
she was is family, not my sister. I fell sick, very sick, hospitalized
at 1. It was supposed to be my birthday. Did I mention? I remember the Mr Biggs
too.
I was
so happy with my new relationship until I did not introduce sex. I got
reminders of how many girls were ready the shag him and the “you know what to
do” statement, and a constant reminder of how his family members preferred his
ex-girlfriend. Did I mention I got out?
Standing here 2007 and watching all the students taking
pictures with their folks, it was matriculation day; I wore a gown I was alone
with my sister. If only they knew the way to my new school maybe they would’ve
come or if only they were not too busy with work. It couldn’t be that I was
just a different daughter could it?
July 2000, I was going to be 10years old, very excited I’m
sure I kept reminding them about my birthday and how I wanted to celebrate it because I thought it
was a tradition to as my elder ones and friends around had theirs, but I got
the singing “kosi ina didi nbe” (There is no cooking there) or in my dad’s
version “You would celebrate it when you turn 15” didn’t know I was to get used
to it till I turned 21, it was God’s grace. I thought I wasn’t different. I
thought wrong.
2012 sitting in the dark waiting for me to enter, I feel
reluctant because I don’t know what's in store for me, what am I to do with a 12 pages book? A Book
that says a lot more than 12 pages. I enter anyway pick up 2012 like it’s a
joke, but it’s a book and I'm
on page 3 and still clueless, I could always tell a book after reading its
first page but not this one. How so? *confused look*
Should I stop reading?
Should I just write my own
ending?
Where is the good part of this
story?
Would the book even have an
ending?
These extracts are pages from previous books, my books, not
like I don’t have happy stories to tell but like my sister put it “exorcising
the demons”. I’m on a path right now, the “be happy” path and I figured I would
have to let all this out to be successful on this path.
A lot of people have probably dealt with situations worse than mine; the end sure justifies the
means.So whats your story? Most
importantly what’s your ending? Re-write it if you have to.
The ache in your heart, The ache from inside out, The motionless movement, The emptiness you feel, The endless questions, The Regrets, The Uncontrollable tears, Blood shot eyes, Then you ask why? Why this? Why me? What is the point? The point of the pain.
Am not sure i know what am on about. Anyways hope i made sense?
This ONE journey started with a step ofcoursee a step..
I met this amazing someone over a year ago and 1115msgs, a couple of calls and one visit later, i was totally in love. Its been a wonderful year with you and i've never regretted any part of it.
Its not been a smooth ride all through, but what keeps me going is the fact that i know we would always get through those difficult times.
Thank you for choosing to love me, thank you for all the kind words and encouragement, thank you for all the correctons (Even if you think i dont listen) Thank you for seeing me as beautiful ALL the time, even when i dnt think so and thank you for accepting me the way i am, however i won't thank you for teaching me to do funny faces.
like a wise man once said ''we cannot know what the future hold, we can only teach ourselves not to snatch''
you are in my now and i absolutly appreciate every moment of it. my personal gift from God. I love you darling.
Happy Annivarsary His Royal sweetness.
xo
Am allowed to steal a poem right?
too late i stole it already x_x
no longer a dream
Somewhere in my heart beyond all my pride
holds a secret desire so intense, deep inside.
Imprisoned with all my passion and love,
unknown to anyone but the one above.
A desire for someone to cherish and hold,
the need for a love to call my own.
Someone to kiss and make up with after fight.
Someone who can respect all I can be.
Someone who's strong enough to commit and love only me.
Someone who will be there and kiss away my tears, secure my doubts, and release me from all my fears.
Someone I can depend on to be my friend, someone who can restore my faith in love once again.
This love is like a dream yet to come true,
Or so I believed until I found you.
The 2nd FAQ after the 'No' reply to the first FAQ 'Did you
work your posting' i heard up until the week of posting was 'Ahan why??' or in
the elderly format 'Kilode?'
I've learnt in this my short life that its from one pot of
soup to another and no matter how hot it gets, u just gotta live through it
*sigh*
I was so excited about the NYSC experience by the time i was
leaving school in June/July until i had to worry about where
i-was-going-to-be-posted-to which ofcourse was immediatly as people would not
let you rest by reminding you everyday *Long Hiss* everywhere i went, all the
different people i saw, it was all 'where do you want to be posted to' 'are you
working it' 'i hope they don't post you to the north' 'me i won't let you go to
the north oh' in different formats, and am there all smiling but if you look
really closely you would see i have my hands clasped against my ears screaming 'Can you all leave
me alone and direct your questions to NYSC'
All that constant reminder made me less excited about it all
and more worried so when my mum came home one day and said ''take a paper write
your full name, call up number and where you want to be posted to, this man is
asking for it'' it felt like the time to
put an end to the worry and be rest assured of the place, i wrote it quite
alright and put Lagos but the paper did not leave my room.
After writing lagos i started asking myself; then whats the
point of the scheme? If i stay in lagos it just going to be IT experience all
over again, what exactly do i want to achieve this service year? So i pulled
out my journal (as usual) and wrote (no editting):
What i want from the NYSC experience.
- Get myself ready for the independent life
-prove to myself that i can make it on my own
-The 'responsible' feeling
-Mentally prepare myself for the life ahead
-Help! Help!! Help!!!
-Live
-Visit places
-Devotion to God
-Service
-Embrace the whole idea
After all these writing and pondering, i was too sure i
wasnt going to work my posting and definatly not to lagos, when i prayed sef i
said to God anywhere but lagos; not that i hate lagos that much but the only
reason i didnt want lagos is TRAFFIC (@gidiTraffic would understand)
I just pray God would help me achieve all of these by the
end of my one year serving the fatherland!
Everyday is a battle,
Yeah, i Fight alone;
fight my indecisions,
fight my fears,
fight my habits,
Now i ask 'what are we fighting for?'
or rather what am i fighting for?
Its all complex. I am complex.
Everyday i think
why do i feel so lonely, when am not truely alone?
why is everyone i love so close, yet so far?
why do people act all caring and honestly don't give a hoot?
why do things feel so close to your reach but you cant rech it?
why do i have letters and words in my head but hard to write it out?
why are the sponteneous days gone?
what am i really fighting for?
fighting for my freedom,
freedom from this battle,
Freedom from me!
Disclaimer: the title of this post has nothing to do with the content, don't be disappointed.
Anyways this is how i got the title tho; After all her shout of 'Shebi its just to recieve and make
calls, ehen my palasa can do all that, there is nuffin i need a blackberry for'
It only took a daughter travelling and seeing the need to communicate and all
your hear now is 'Emi naa ping oh- NO BE WASA' (Me too I'm pinging- NO BE
BEANS). So you see where i got my new slang from? I love my mother :D
Secretly, somewhere deep deep down i've been wanting to do this ''Things in my bag'' since i saw it on kitkat tales *sigh* and since the god-of-ideas-of-what-to-write have left me to my fate i decided why not? well its better late than never right?
So This is my hand bag :D
QuickConfession: This is not my regular hand bag, i just bought this bag and it needed a Lil publicity.
Junk in my trunk ;)
LipGloss: Since secondary school my lips have had d reputation of being the anti-lip-gloss-absorb-ant (which is good) i cld use lipgloss from morning and u would see it there at night, buh you know as a girl grows older there are Upeople things that help you absorb d lipgloss. For example, i leave home for lesson with make-up on and get back in d evening without? So u see why i have to keep some in my bag?
Books: oh well Big bags gotta be filled right? *shrugs*
A/Any Novel: Bus rides get boring too boring sef, Just got Francise Rivers redeeming love (Had to read again)outta ma bag, atm i'm reading jeffrey archer's The prodigal daughter. I read the prologue and i instantly fell in love with the writer. Good Read so far :)
Journal: You really can't see how rough it is but trust me it is :( I take care if my journals more than my school bookS but recently the rain dealt with me and soaked everything too :((. So i go everywhere with it because once i caught my dad reading my youger sisters diary; yh she left it on her bed, me? Not taking chances + the ideas don't send memo's before they come hence be prepared ;)
Lil black Red book, as i call it :D This is my 2008-Till date journal, honestly its not always in my bag but its been around too long not to get publicity na :p This is by far my most intresting journal yet, it has everything and anything ranging from the Stupid sketch of my wedding gown x_x, alot of boy drama, school jargons, planning, plenrry to-do lists *Phew*, i even have a list of boys names and sme had 'd' meaning disqualified and all my entries used to have titles. Chai i used to have time sha!
Wallet: This is a simple case of not all that glitters in gold. Beautiful on d outside and *smh* on the inside. I just can't get myself to throw anything away, alot of bank deposit reciepts, TFC reciepts, useless small small papers, business cards, passports, old withdrawal booklet. oh my! Its a mini junk yard in there. Don't look!
Sunglasses: Yh its always there buh i never bring it out or wear it.
Hand cream: *Yimu* who am i fooling? When i say hotel supplies save d day, now u knw what i mean :| my skin is really really dry, so i need to have those.
And Introducing....
Small shey? Its called the extraIsh, whats it for? well lemmie tell a small story. I travelled to Ibadan some 5years ago, planning to spend a day and i ended up spending 3days no extra underwear or cloth (don't ask how i did it) x_x since then...... you really donno where d night would meet you. Nothing better than clean underwears :D. So if you see this in my bag all u pokenosers DO NOT OPEN!!!!!!!
QuickMeUpdate: Going for service in less than 4 weeks and i'm not even scared of posting considering the fact that i did not pass backyard for it hmmmmm... i just pray it goes well sha and i have plenty stories btw Sitting at home doing absolutly nothing No Be WASA!! glad its almost over!
After months of complaining about my blogger in draft and their new layout, i decided to go with wordpress, i hear is better! I have been copying some of my post from here to there and i finally finished. So the add is www.tomilolaakibo.wordpress.com i'm not closing this one, so i can read the blogs on my list :) So holla at ya girl!
Bukky(hair stylist), me, Teju (the make up artist) and oreofe
Birthday Girl :D
One of d fine sisters...(my guest writer)
Girlfriends from school
My Unofficial twin.. we look alike yeah?
*Lips Sealed* :D
Feeling like one celeb... In my mind o
Really sorry i can't post alot of pictures because blogger won't let me :( buh i hope with the few, you can capture what my birthday looked like. :)
InOtherNews: I would post a poem by @edgy_girl who happens to be my elder sister, she wrote and asked for my opinion and i said i would post it on here to see what you guys think. pls show some love :)
And since i've not been able to finish everything i've been writing *smh for myslf* i've decided to post entries from my 2010 journal tagged "Lost pages of THE Journal" ok the pages aint exactly lost buh hey! we can do with a lil drama right? Aint that why we here? buh seriously what do you think? do? don't do?
P.S: driving school is doing great, moved a VG beetle, and my thighs hurt after the first day from pressing down the clutch x_X and to think i just started *crying*
P.P.S: My modelling dreams would soon come alive :) have a photoshoot next saturday, i know NOTHING about these things so if you have experience plssssss drop ur tips for a first timer like me, and yeah i've asked google already, sometimes you just need people you can relate with. Thanks
I promised myself a Birthday post. So i turned 21 today, i've been trying to notice the physical changes in my body since the beginning of the year (Hoping i would get taller) *Big Yimu* since as we hear Its ur last chance for BIG changes :( and all i got was a bigger (Still Not so big) Bum :) asides that there aint anything so exciting jare. I spent my day watching disney channel, cleaning, running errands and yeah i went to church. I tried to smile all through but in all honesty this is actually MY WORST BIRTHDAY EVER, i had my best last year so i guess, u can't always have it good. *shrugs*
The highlight of my day were the calls and messages, i totally appreciate every single person that wished me a happy birthday from their heart and i honestly hope next year would be better.
I decided to put my pen on a paper today, been a while i did that well except for exams sha, i think i've been suffering from writo-phobia donno why tho' but i'm here now to clean my cobwebs. I used to write to make myself feel better but nowadays i can't even get myself to write a diary entry *Smh* i honestly don't ge it. So the reason behind my no-blogging errmm.... Had to prepare for my final exams and i had issues with my project, i was going crazy and crying everytime (i'm glad its all over) and even when i finally finished all that, there is the no-good-internet hurdle to cross *phew* All that being said i'm sorry for my unannounced absence.
So i'm a graduate (Although some people stubbornly think otherwise) and i'm sitting at home waiting for that national excercise that keeps you 'busy' for one year, 2yrs ago i woulda been excited but sadly nowadays you are not even sure if the next guy is wired under his cloths, i'm super scared of posting and one mind doesnt want me to 'work' it, if the worse happens i'ld be posted to Borno state (God forbid) and i'ld be forced to bring out my very looong legs (Ask Tosin Akibo) so till then i have anti-boredom options but i've not gotten myself to get up from my bed (So much for anti-boredom) here is my list.
- Driving School (A girls gotta learn how to drive abi?) - Weekend Class (This shouldnt even be here because my A+ class is always boring)
There you have it, i'm sure you were expecting a looonng list but its had to find LEGAL things to do, legal in the sense that when i say it my mum would not scream ''O tun ti fe lo ba okunrin'' or ''you don't do that a girl from a good home won't do such'' and my dad say with a frown on his face 'Where are you going to? What is happening there?' So till i find i'm stuck!!
So i'm turning 21 *Yippee* on the 26th of this month, my parents decided to celebrate it for me, the first since i turned 1, i was always getting the don't-worry-when-you-are-10 speech then it became 15 then 20 and i gave up! So i tried my luck this year and BAM he said ''yes, u deserve it''*windecking* i rented a hall already and its gonna be the 30th of July buh i'm not sure anymore about this. As much as i love attention, i don't like the spotlight, i'm planning the whole thing sha but secretly in one corner of my mind, i don't want again but its too late to back out i guess, so i'm just gonna keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. :D
I'ld try my best to finish everything i've started and continue writing, Now i feel normal. Feels good to be back too.
As she heard the old school 'Here comes the bride' she knew deep in her heart that this was the best decision she has ever made in her 25years of existence, she slipped her slender hands into her fathers, then looked into his eyes before they took the step down the aisle, steps to her future.
He was just a 3rd year student studying chemical engineering at the university of Ibadan, a good looking guy from a wealthy home, He has heard 'love at first sight' countless time and never believed it until that faithful Thursday at the library...
'Can I help you?' she looked up to say, all he could stare at were those beautiful brown eyes that screamed innocence...
Now 5 years later I'm here staring at this same eyes only its filled with something different; love for me, then he heard the pastor for the first time 'do you ola take simi to be your lawfully wedded bride blah blah blah' with the largest grin he said 'I do'
He knew he had to say something before she thought he was crazy 'Is this seat taken?' stupid stupid stupid! Was that your best? He scolded himself, 'No' was all she said and kept reading. Concentrating on the books he had initially come to read became the most difficult task ever 'Talk to her? No, what if you don't see her again, talk jor' then he decided and just enjoyed the sitting beside the beautiful girl.
The 'I do' he heard pulled him out of his thought 'hmmm... We've really come this far wow!,' the rest of the ceremony went by in a flash, he just wanted to go home and start his life with his new bride.
She sat there trying so hard to concentrate on the book 'He is so fine hmm... How can I concentrate with this fine boy beside me' this went on in her head till he stood up to leave, Just then she arrives, 'Madame you ready to go?', 'did you see him leave?' She asked her best friend 'who?' 'Ola that fine boy in part 3, he sat beside me and I could tell he wanted to talk but you know with all the whole fine boy forming and all' Well that's your problem just pack your books abeg hunger haff wire ma head!
She couldn't help but smile at the first day she 'met' him, now here she was in his arms on their first night together as married couples, the first night, the first day of the rest of their lives. He slowly pulled back the night gown to reveal her smooth caramel skin, gently kissing her shoulders he pulled the night gown to reveal the rest of her perfectly shaped body, he pulled her close and his lips met hers and his hands caressed her ample bosom.
The clock read 11:00pm then she stood up to check the room, she moved closer looking into the cot, sleeping peacefully was the first fruit of her marriage with this man, then the tears escaped, Why is he not home yet? There are no board meetings Fridays abi? What have I done to deserve this now? Does he not know I need help with this baby? I really need to get back to work maybe I won't notice all his late nights or not? Just then the sound of the door pulled her out of herself 'interrogating session', sweetheart! Welcome, what happened? - Traffic! He said in a very cold manner, how is the baby? Sleeping she replied, can you get me something to eat while I check on her?
He sat up in bed partly covered with the duvet, turned to her; the stranger, she mumbled something but his mind was everywhere but there 'when did it get to this? So I was cold yesterday I know, but why is she suffering in silence? Why can't she say something? Maybe then I would let this guilt go and confess or not? What she doesn't know won't hurt right? But I'm not a good actor neither am i sure she has an idea already but why is she not talking?' something that sounded like a shout brought him back to reality 'are you here at all? I've been asking you a question for the past 10mins haba! are you going home tonight?' defensively he answered 'please don't start, what night have I not gone home? Don't ask me such anymore' with that he stood up dressed up and left the room without saying anything else.
"Can't you see the writing on the wall? Or you have just chosen to deny it? He has started keeping late nights, he doesn't even talk to you, the loving part of your marriage is gone, and one good thing is he helps out with the baby. But seriously simi don't you see it? He is cheating on you". All what her friend said to her earlier in the day kept replaying in her head, with tears rolling down her cheeks she asked herself 'but why??'
Another night, a familiar stranger, he lay down beside her contemplating if waking her up was good idea, No! She decides to suffer in silence, then good for her, I won't up and confess; no way! For her not to notice, it probably means she doesn't care anymore right? So why should I? With all that thought he slept off.
''I really need to talk to you'' she said, when I get back from work, I'm late. ''nowadays you are always late even your home coming, so today should not be an exception, so can we talk?'' He nodded aii
I just wanted to ask what's wrong with us, what have I done to deserve all the treatment you are giving me? Recently you've been coming home late from work, I noticed the drinking too and you don't even talk to me not to even talk of touching me, what happened? Or are you seeing someone else?
He sat there his face in his hands, when he heard her speak with the hurt in her voice he knew, I guess it is time to let it all be over with that he said......
So i've been writing this story since forever (by forever i mean like 3weeks) not because i dnt have what to write but i could not just get to understand d idea behind cheating and obviously i still don't, so i decided i would ask, instead of just keeping my story in draft.....
So if you are reading this, use the comment box and give your reasonS... Why you think people cheat in relationships. Thanks :)
I was played! Yes i was, i'm not ashamed because now life has taught me to always have my anti-mugu firewall ON!
In my life, i've had so called friends betray me but this one i wanna write about is the most recent ok here it goes....
She was the newest 'new girl' in class (That time my school would admit students even a week before exam x_x) and she had this don't-come-near-me-i-break-bones look, i just disliked her in the beginning cos of that but how we got close must be in some pages of the history book by now, The point it we got really close, i introduced her to my clique then we all became one big happy-'anko' (Same cloth)-wearing-family until she put a dagger at my back when i wasnt looking :( 'Be careful of the people you call your friends this girl was just talking crap about you because you passed last semester' was what another classmate told me when we resumed, It wasnt supposed to be a big deal but because it was from her and to think she was all smiling and telling me 'aww tomi i saw your result and you did very well' i was broken, from then on i got really quiet in class, i generally became suspicious of everyone around me (i still suffer from this disease) i could not get myself to forgive her (still can't)
Now at the end of four years, i just noticed that its her way of life, that kind of person that want their ''friends'' to always be behind (and do anything to make it possible) so they can feel superior, that kind of person who would always do over sabi in class and still and NEVER WILL be on a First class, that kind of person that just thinks of 'now' and never what would happen outside the four walls of the school, That kind of person that just does 'la cram la pour' for exam and still don't know jack about their course of study. So, if you are reading this and its painting your picture, No be by First class oh opps ma bad you are not even on a 1st class and remember the law of karma - what goes around would definatly come around so change, but wait even when you change be very afraid because your 'around' is coming soonest....
*Loosing the mean look* Honestly i really wanna let go, learn how to trust people again, forgive and forget but its hard any ideas???
I’m so new at this blogging ish so don’t blame me for not reciprocating the awards since, i honestly just got a hang of it...now i blame my ignorance ;) i got an award like some 4weeks ago then i got another 2 weeks ago i think.
So the rules? Errmmm....
Say 7 things about yourself and thank the people/ person that gave you the award by putting a link to the persons blog and award 15 blogger ok lets dive!
So here are 7 facts about me
- I have a new love for shoes especially wedges, those creations are absolutely gorgeous
- I’m a To-do List freak, geez i don’t think i can get myself together without a list *sigh*
- I use only black pen. Blue just has a way of being in your face.
- I talk to myself alot, what can i say i’m a good listener :)
- I have Undiluted love for social networking
- Recently overcame my ‘Abstain-from-owning-a-purse’ rule, after my purse was stolen and left me identity-less.
- I hate creeping things, geez! They just creep me out!
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