I am tempted to quit blogging

A wise man once said to me ¨If you don't know what to write about, then write about the fact that you don't know what to write about¨  

I am taking that piece of Advice today. 

I am tempted to quit on this blog.
I am tempted to just stop writing.
I am tempted to let go and stop being deliberate.
I am tempted to 'Let life just happen'.
I am tempted to just quit.
I am tempted.

I put it out on all my social media accounts about the thought that has been in my head about this online space and the response was overwhelming. I think that it was selfish of me to just want to quit after meeting and making amazing friends via this platform.

The past few weeks have been different in the sense that I didn't take anything slow at all. Everything was fast paced, time was barely enough, life changing decisions to make or not make. Let's just say alot was happening but My God & I kept this space 'busy' for a while.

Although this is not the first time I have nursed the thought, but this is the first time I voiced it out to the public and I didn't know what to expect but the response was really encouraging...

But then one person said to me

¨If that is what you want then go for it¨ 

Which brings me to why I wanted to quit;

* I am using present tense because its an on-going process

I am looking at me; I am looking at me. Looking at what I am not doing right, looking at how my life is busy and how I can't keep up, thinking of how I need to make time to write, thinking of what I want to write. Notice the constant thing? ¨I¨

I am looking at you; Asking questions like ''Who even reads this?'' ''Is this adding value to anyone?'' ''Will anyone notice if I don't continue?'' etc

I am looking at others; ¨Oh my! see how pretty her blog is... Jeez my doesn't even cut it'' ''She's got alot to say everyday, you what are you doing?¨ ¨What? > 20 comments and counting on one... ONE post... Chai¨ These are some of the things I have said to myself.

I was doing all the looking when I should have been looking at/to HIM.

Then I was reminded today;

 But the Lord said, “My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.” So I will gladly boast about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can stay in me. [2 Cor 12:9 ERV]

So, when I hear things like ''If that is what you want go for it¨ I interpret it as this ¨If that is what you want remember that its not about you'' 

Because 'I' will always want it. I will always want to quit. I will always want to be lazy. I will always want to be uninspired. I will always not want to make the extra effort. I will always..... (fill in the blank for other excuses we make) and if you are also being honest you also want to quit sometimes.

But.... IT'S. NOT. ABOUT. YOU.

Someone also said ¨If its just one person reading...¨ I also take comfort in that too but most importantly remember Gods strength is made perfect in your weakness.

I WAS tempted to quit on this blog.
I WAS tempted to just stop writing.
I WAS tempted to let go and stop being deliberate.
I WAS tempted to 'Let life just happen'.
I WAS tempted to just quit.
I WAS tempted.

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¨That is just how I am, Don't try to change me¨

-_-

Can I be brutally honest? Please, permit me.

I have heard alot of people say and I am sure i’ve said it also at some point.

¨That is just who I am, you either accept it or you don’t’’

‘’If you Love me, you will take me as I am and not try to change me¨

Even for the better? 

Or something along those lines, and for a while this was cool and normal to say. I particularly have a friend that says this but I am coming to an understanding that because ¨That’s how I am¨ shouldn't be an excuse for me to stay in a mess or an excuse to not change my bad behaviour.

Now, We have a sin nature. Should I now say ¨This is just who I am¨ everytime I sin? and that should be my excuse to stay sinning? or you have an anger issue and your excuse for everytime you lose it is ¨That’s just who I am¨ even to an average person it should sound ridiculous and the Bible says in [Romans 6:1-2 ¨What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?¨]

We are called to live the life of Christ [ Gal 2:20 ]. I repent from saying things like this, because we believers will keep saying things like this until it becomes only what we know and live by. How then can we be separate?

I am in no way saying that you should be perfect and that is exactly the point.

let me explain.

The Life that you now live is Christ and NO! this is not just how you are, incase you’ve forgotten let me remind you of who you are…

You are the daughter/son of a King...A joint heir with Christ...God’s representative...A royal priesthood...A peculiar nation...You’re Loved..You’re seated with Christ...Clothed with righteousness…

You’re all that and so much more. I mean YOU HAVE THE LIFE OF CHRIST IN YOU C’mon!

Its time we start living like that.

It’s not just who you are but who you are in Christ. And when a loved one sees you and sees that who you really are and your current reality doesn’t reflect that, they help to bring you up to that image of Christ. [Proverbs 27:17]

So, you won’t keep saying ¨If you Love me, you won’t try to change me¨ but understand that just as God loves us so much that he won’t leave us the way he met us, your loved ones are also trying to bring out the best in you.

 You don't want someone that genuinely loves you.

Stop playing defence.

Trust the God in them.

Trust God.

Be transformed into his image [ And our faces are not covered. We all show the Lord’s glory, and we are being changed to be like him. This change in us brings more and more glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Cor 3:18]

….and contrary to popular opinion That’s not just the way you are!!


Have you come to an end of yourself? Have you come to a point where nothing else seems to be working out and you've tried all you could? Click to meet GRACE

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Sigh of a Prisoner

[source]

Searching through, digging through.
Looking out. Looking in.
Still nothing, no one.
Something tugs from within
"I need" it says

I dont hear this often, today, i feel.
Feel the voice as it screams, louder.
Louder at the walls of my once bad ass heart.

Now, it hides behind the voice
Louder than the silent killer.
Can you see them all around.
Giggling, Exchanging pleasantries.
My heart in the midst of it all, hiding.

Loneliness, the engulfing void.
 The silent alley, the deep abyss.
Dark darkness. Deep depth.
Swallows you, half in - half next.
Whole!

Can i see? Can i feel? Can i hear?
I cant. Except for the faint sounds sipping through the bars
In the prison of the silence that holds my heart captive
it shows, it tells.
BUT, i hear a light....


Have you come to an end of yourself? Have you come to a point where nothing else seems to be working out and you've tried all you could? Click to meet GRACE

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He caught up with me finally.

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With one eye opened foreign tongue in the background, i’m standing there “preparing my mind” and wondering “why hasn’t this happened to me?”

i was about 14 years old and it was cadet camp (Thats foursquare version of children camp), that year passed and i had still not felt the holy spirit the way they all said he would just come down and fall on you, and the next year and the next year.

“Maybe the holy spirit isn’t for you after all” I said to myself after raising my hands countless times and preparing my mind under the ministeration of various men of God.

I gave up.

But God doesn’t give up on you does he?

A part of me wanted the experience and the other part of me gave up since it hadn’t happened all these years.

i’m 22(.5) *side eye* and he finally caught up with me, did i hear halleluyah? I thought so too ;)

I was looking for a church to attend in Kontagora then and that sunday i told the bike man to take me to the Redeem church over there, just pointing my hand in one direction and in that my small church i felt the holy spirit and i was too sure i was in the right place, i didnt start speaking in tongues at the time but that alone was an amazing experience, the peace that washed over me after that? Ever heard of the peace that passeth all understanding? Then the Joy? Amazing, but i wanted more, i wanted to speak in tongues like everyone else, maybe that was where i missed it. I didnt understand the purpose of the Spirit and why i needed him, i just wanted it because i didn’t want to be the only one praying in English when everyone around me is praying in heavenly language.

I Chilled.

I would wake up in the middle of the night and pray for the holy spirit and wait and wait for the heavenly language that i could not explain. Nothing.

I cried. Nothing

I gave Thanks. Nothing.

Sometime in Ocotber 2012 a family friend (Titus) came over the house to ask my sister and i if we wanted to go for a prayer session specially just to recieve the holy spirit, i was excited and i jumped at it, my spirit obeyed the man of God and recieved the holy spirit that day, i spoke in tongues but.....

Not for long, i had doubts “Am i the one really speaking” “Jeez girl, you sound so weird stick to english”

After that day the only time i remember speaking in tongues was when i woke up from a very bad dream speaking aloud in tongues, balling my eyes out then... Nothing

I did not feel a thing, i gave my self the stick to english prayer speech but it was far from over, Once again i started to Thrist for the Holy spirit and it became frustrating at some point because it started being about the personal experience and i wasn’t getting it even after praying and knowing so much truths about who i am in christ.

2am on the 19th of Jan, i went on my knees, sang worship songs, prayed for forgivenessand started asking for the power of the holy spirit to come upon me, i was repeating one of the prayers (which i can’t remember) when it happened..

you know when you are on one side of a large crossable-gutter then suddenly you jumo and you are on the other side and wonder how you made it there? (You don’t? what happened to your childhood? no gutter jumping? *smh*)

Thats exactly how i felt and i felt it all over my body too and i could hear myself speak a language i didn’t understand.

He caught up with me... Finally and i am so grateful.

Want to share your first experience with the holy spirit with us? Use the comment box or with me? Send me an email tomi.akibo@gmail.com. i definitely want to hear it. Thanks!

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The Chair

I was going through a rough time and my friend @DeboAj gave me a task to write 3 stories within week with a happy ending, it was indeed a challenge because, at that time i was down in the low and writing was the last thing on my mind, not to talk of a happy ending, but i managed to write this "gba je n simi" (Take let me rest) story, hope you enjoy...
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"i, my name is toun and I need a fix” I had heard about The Chair  and how everything said in it becomes confidential, hoping that silly introduction I made becomes confidential too. Although I knew that was the official introduction  for “whatever” anonymous, I also just assumed it was appropriate for “the chair”.

Finally, I was lying on the infamous chair, the chair where many people where many people had admitted their worst fears, the chair where many people have discovered their life’s purpose, the chair that has lead to insanity for some.

It took me a lot of courage and time wasting to make it to this chair, this is my first appointment, I gave a sigh of relief, which did everything but hide my fears. It was okay, I was here. My journey brought me here. And its far from over.

Graduating from the University with a first class degree, I had so many offers for a job. I was 22. I was excited, I loved my life. I started work with the oil company that offered the highest Salary. The firs year was fun, I got paid huge money, lived alone for the first time, partied when I had the time, got a car after the first year. I was basically living the life. Not for long.

I got a promotion, I should  be happy right? No. My boss is lazy, he dumps all his work load on me, I started working 6am-9pm and I still take some work home. My life became routined, I  go to work, get take out food on my way back, sit in the same chair, use the same type of plate; which is disposable by the way, because I don’t have time to do the dishes, sit at the tv; when I don’t have work then I fall asleep. I am 24 and I don’t have a life outside work.

I live everyday like a zombie, I have my cloths and shoes arranged according to the days of the week, I have not gone out on a date in 2years, everyone at work gives me the “weird” look and whisper when I walk pass, I don’t mind. I’m excellent at my job, that consoles me. Its all I’ve got. I’m 27 and nothing has changed.

Sitting at the table one Saturday staring at a pile of workload  I had to go through, out of the blue the tears came running rushing, then the question “For how long, Toun” uncontrollable tears followed my huge question. I didn’t have the answers, I had just gotten to the point where I admitted I needed a chair. The chair. That was 6 months ago, here I am now in “The Chair” trying to talk to a total stranger to make sense of my life. This is my appointment, the first of many. I hope.

The chair has become a place of solitude, a place where I make sense of all the chaos, a place where I let it out, sitting at the other end of the room is my therapist, every Thursday, 3 months together, I put the pieces together. The chair was worth it.

I quit my job, picked  up a camera and I looked at the world through a lens, I did that weekdays and enrolled for weekend make – up classes, started going out a lot, made new friends. I met a man as I went for one of my outdoor shoots, we are going out on a date.

I’m 28. I picked up the pieces of my life and it all started with an appointment with the chair.  

What do you think?

Love

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31 Day Reset: Day 11

Today's Challenge: Write a letter to your lizard brain.

What is a lizard brain?
The lizard brain is the epicentre of fear. When you in the clutches of the lizard brain you begin to doubt yourself, you begin to resent the process. You feel yourself wanting to give up and throw in the towel. I've felt this lizard brain a lot of times up until now I really never paid so much attention to the damages it could have caused.

Here is my letter.

Dear Lizard brain,
I've been noticing you popping up at certain points in this challenge and in my life. It seems like everytime I want to do something for my own growth and happiness, you show up and tear me down.
For instance, when I tried to work on the orphanage thing, you showed up in form of procrastination. I wanted to see it through but instead I sabotaged my success by complainung and making excuses.
Another example was when I tried to change my life by eating healthy and exercise, you showed up again. I knew I wanted to change gears, but instead, you told me it was unnecessary.
So I see what you are doing and I don't like it. Yes, I know that you are afraid of change, you're afraid of what will happen if I succeed. But what you have to understand is that whatever happens in my life will work out for my good. I was put here on earth for a purpose and you are keeping me for fulfilling that potential.
Well, until now, you have.
I will no longer allow you to stop my progress in living my ideal life. So the next time I see you, I will simply give you a nod and go about my business.
Its been nice knowing you, but now its time we part ways.
Sincerely,
Morounfoluwa
The Song that comes to mind while typing this is Hello Fear - KirkFranklin

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You know when you know you've made progress and all of a sudden you take a step back? I broke down early this morning and I'm at work atm and I just don't feel good, it has nothing to do with this challenge, but when I said to God at that moment "I know I'm supposed to be trusting you and I'm not doing it, I'm sorry" It kept ringing "Its okay to cry, nobody is perfect".
I'm going through a phase, and I'm learning everyday, in ways I couldn't have imagine, although I might cry a lot till I get better, I've realised that its okay. While I still try to make sense of what I'm going through, I stay trusting him.

Thanks for stopping by.

Love.

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