Forbidden Love

I think I've known you all my life,
Can't remember the first time we met personally tho'
I just remember daddy warning me against you,
I was a rebel so it felt good to go against him.
I was curious,
It lead to the greatest love affair.

I would sneak to have a piece of you,
Sometimes I got caught,
I was scolded, I didn't mind, the time spent with you although short was worth it.
I was in love.
The undiluted joy I feel whenever its time to see you,
The butterflies in my tummy,
The feeling of satisfaction and fulfilment I get from being with you,
I know you are irreplaceable.

Mummy was always quiet, she noticed the love I guess but she thought I would outgrow it,
But here I am; 21 still haven't "out grown" you,
She is tired. He doesn't scold me anymore too.
He has accepted our love affair.
He now understands,
Understands that the love I have for
Garri would remain.



*Dodging Tomatoes* Ok! Ok! I know..... :p :p :p :D

P.S: This was supposed to be an "update post" but I changed my mind. I got a tag from the lovely miss ay, walahi I've written it out in my note book oh, the issue now is typing it, would post it before friday next week. Fair enough? I thought so too... :)

P.P.S: I also have this story I've been working on for a while (I actually abandoned it) its still not finished, but I'ld post the first part so you guys can tell me if I shld hang my writing pen or just finish the _damn thing :)

P.P.P.S(is there even anything like this?): Notice the template change? What do you think??? Pls Go easy on me oo.. It takes a lot of courage to change anything in my life... I guess you'ld know why soon

*Now doing the dance* DON'T ask why :p :p
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

Dear God,

I wrote this in my journal 18th August 2010, was reading it today and wondering "did you really write that Tomilola?" Anyways see what I'm talking about.......

Dear God,

At this stage am just full of plenty decisions to make or rather plenty questions and no answer, please lord grant me your wisdom to get the answers to my question..
Lord, I don't have anyone and I know I don't need anyone except you please grant me the peace and joy I need to enjoy your presence so I wouldn't feel lonely due to lack of people to talk to...
God please forgive me my sins, help me so I would sin no more.
Thank you lord for everything you've done in my life, am grateful for the things I have and give me the grace not to complain about anything, because I know there are people in this world who would give anything just to be where I am today.....
Lord I've written all I want, how I want them. Our destiny is in our hands, so I put my hands in your hands. Grant me this wish and make my destiny come to pass and as the day go by help me make the right choices..
Help me love you the way I read that I should love you.
I ask through Jesus Christ our lord! Amen



Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

.......Crystal Clearance

Receiving that phone call from the group manager saying I should see him by 4.30 today just did it for me.

What? Am I the only one?

What does he want to see me for again?

I'm sure its about that closing hours review I talked about

Who woulda known that I ran from lagos because I didn't want stress for a whole year and here they are trying to make my stay here a living hell. Crap!

Just picked up my bag and left, couldn't wait to just get into my room, I got in and the tears just kept rolling in uncontrollably.

I think I need a shrink.

I've gotten to that stage where I don't tell my self half truths anymore although the truth hurts, it also sets free (btw this aint no motivational speaking)

This is the only place I've known most of my life, I can probably count the happy moments in all my 21years, I only know how to be sad, I don't know how to be happy, so yeah I take advantage of every sad thing that happens to me and live in the moment! Yes LIVE in it.

Before you go on, lemmie warn there is no moral to this story, this is just me letting it all out and saying it ALL as it comes to my mind...

Why enjoys being hurt?? Or being sad??? Yes me! I don't think I am to blame for that one, its the only familiar place I know asides from the dark room..

I walked on the darkest side of it all April 11 2012... Coming from a frustrated day at work, alone in my room, nursing pain, regrets, bad decisions and mistakes I had made... I begged God to take me away from this earth, at that moment Nothing else mattered to me, all the "inspirational talk" had gone down the drain, rolls of tissue wasted, Eyes swollen, I felt really empty, bad part? I had no one to talk to expect who I was asking to end it all for me, I had the perfect plan, I had just written "drowning" and felt it would be perfect way to end it all, but ofcourse 24hrs later I kept seeing images of my folks, my sisters and I remembered the voice I heard on the other end of the line one night I had an attack "who would I talk to" then I snapped out of it all with tears and begged God to forgive me and promised not to take away the life he had given me. And I knew if things didn't work out at that moment it would eventually. I told my sister about it so atleast she would keep checking on me incase I started having depressing thoughts again.

Gladly that phase is over and I would never EVER think of killing myself no matter what! Still this familiar place still lingers, I genuinely want to be happy, I don't like crying all the time.
I want all the hurt to go away. I just want to be happy!!

Yeah I hear it's a choice, but one can't just switch from 80% Sad to 100% Happy right???

I wish it was so easy. I'm just tried of keeping up the charade like I'm not hurting inside....

I don't know the point of this post but I'm just writing to see if I would feel better.

Hold me Now

I am a dreamer and not the "I have a dream" kinda dreamer. I dream like joseph, a lot of times I forget but there are some particular dreams I remember.

Two days ago I took a nap and I had this dream, the content I can't remember but a certain someone held up a bible verse to me
Exodus 7:8-9 then I woke up.

I know my last post said "Stay Positive" and all but it ain't that easy, I can only try as a human in the end I'm not perfect. Last week was a pretty rough week for me so seeing that verse, I just wanted to figure out what was in it for me. It reads...

"The Lord said to moses and Aaron. When pharaoh says to you 'perform a miracle' then say to Aaron, 'Take your staff and throw it down before pharaoh' and it would become a snake"

Before I opened it, I thought it was going to be a straight forward "encouragement verse" but I got more confused "moses" "Aaron" "staff" "snake" "miracles" *phew* then I started thinking about what the meaning could be to me and I was totally blank I got sleepy and it started coming to me. Let's analyse shall we?

There was a man with an ordinary staff in his hands, God knew he would be asked to perform a miracle and told him to drop the staff and it would turn to a snake right? Yeah. Ok.

"He had a staff", not he gave him a staff
"Throw it down" Action
"It would turn to snake" result

So this is how I see it.
We all HAVE something in us that we probably don't know would be of use and the world is there (pharaoh in this case) waiting to see what we have to offer, so we have to act for us to get results. Let's bear in mind that Moses and Aaron did not practice to see the miracle would really happen if they drop the staff, they went and dropped it with faith.

Before now my worry has been what I would do after service, thing is my dad wants me to go for masters and that's not what I want but I'm just scared that what I want may not work out, maybe this verse was all I needed to assure me that he's got me.

So what's my point exactly? Everything we need we have, we just don't know it yet. This is telling us that no matter what we should take the dive with faith, God would DEFINITELY catch us and give us our miracle..

Drowning

I knew I was walking home to my death sentence as I held the report sheet that held the collective effort of my second year in secondary school, it read “To repeat jss II”. Hoping I wont meet her, I walked home crying like a baby, oh yeah a baby crying over spilt milk and asking myself the “why” questions, the rustle in the kitchen brought me back to life and reminded me that I was closer to death. Handing over the report and handing watching the calm look on her face, my worst fears came alive. I was going to die that day.

Resting on the red railings with my huge purple bucket in hand coming from the stream, he passed and sneezed “Thunder” I would have ignored like I normally do, but it had gotten to the height, even my junior now calls me the name? Tears in my eyes, head down, I walk away, as always. Oh, how did I get the name? That haunted me for 2years in a new school? Thought you’d never ask.

Fresh from Lagos to Ife, little or zero Yoruba, first test – Yoruba test and I see stuff I cant translate, the only question I seem to understand is “kini Sango ma  fin ja” (what does sango fight with) racking my brain for the translation of the answer from the beginning to almost the end of the test, 5 mins more and I scribbled “Thunder”

If only I knew that, that single act would end my social life in my new school I would have gotten my zero jejeli as against the 1, the Thunderous laughs that came from the class after the teacher asked me to identify myself for writing English in her test and the remaining 2 years of humiliation. If only.

Staring into the dark from my backyard, I can’t actually believe I’m in 300l seriously? With good grades? Wow! It still felt like yesterday hearing those words that still sting

“why did your dad insist you go to secondary school”

“ I warned him”

“you should have gone to primary six”

“you were too young”

“you are leaving that school”

“…….useless”

I had never heard my mum use such word on anyone but it came to me anyway and once again I wept like a baby. So would you blame me when I was excited I heard the same mouth say

“You know the child you thought couldn’t do good…..”

“you know what I mean right?” Although she didn’t complete her statement, it meant the world, but not for long.

I saw her iron the cloth, my princess-y white gown although I was one, I remember that part, its all blurry from here but I also remember the confession, she had put something in my dress, she was is a witch, she was is family, not my sister. I fell sick, very sick, hospitalized at 1. It was supposed to be my birthday. Did I mention? I remember the Mr Biggs too.

I was so happy with my new relationship until I did not introduce sex. I got reminders of how many girls were ready the shag him and the “you know what to do” statement, and a constant reminder of how his family members preferred his ex-girlfriend. Did I mention I got out? 

Standing here 2007 and watching all the students taking pictures with their folks, it was matriculation day; I wore a gown I was alone with my sister. If only they knew the way to my new school maybe they would’ve come or if only they were not too busy with work. It couldn’t be that I was just a different daughter could it?

July 2000, I was going to be 10years old, very excited I’m sure I kept reminding them about my birthday and how I wanted to celebrate it because I thought it was a tradition to as my elder ones and friends around had theirs, but I got the singing “kosi ina didi nbe” (There is no cooking there) or in my dad’s version “You would celebrate it when you turn 15” didn’t know I was to get used to it till I turned 21, it was God’s grace. I thought I wasn’t different. I thought wrong.

2012 sitting in the dark waiting for me to enter, I feel reluctant because I don’t know what's in store for me, what am I to do with a 12 pages book? A Book that says a lot more than 12 pages. I enter anyway pick up 2012 like it’s a joke, but it’s a book and I'm on page 3 and still clueless, I could always tell a book after reading its first page but not this one. How so? *confused look*

Should I stop reading?

Should I just write my own ending?

Where is the good part of this story?

Would the book even have an ending?

These extracts are pages from previous books, my books, not like I don’t have happy stories to tell but like my sister put it “exorcising the demons”. I’m on a path right now, the “be happy” path and I figured I would have to let all this out to be successful on this path.

A lot of people have probably dealt with situations worse than mine; the end sure justifies the means.  So whats your story? Most importantly what’s your ending? Re-write it if you have to.

P.s:  New motto is “stay happy”

P.p.s: Newer motto is “stay positive”

The Pain.

The ache in your heart,
The ache from inside out,
The motionless movement,
The emptiness you feel,
The endless questions,
The Regrets,
The Uncontrollable tears,
Blood shot eyes,
Then you ask why?
Why this?
Why me?
What is the point?
The point of the pain.

Am not sure i know what am on about. Anyways hope i made sense?

We are one!!!!

This ONE journey started with a step ofcoursee a step..
I met this amazing someone over a year ago and 1115msgs, a couple of calls and one visit later, i was totally in love. Its been a wonderful year with you and i've never regretted any part of it.

Its not  been a smooth ride all through, but what keeps me going is the fact that i know we would always get through those difficult times.

Thank you for choosing to love me, thank you for all the kind words and encouragement, thank you for all the correctons (Even if you think i dont listen) Thank you for seeing me as beautiful ALL the time, even when i dnt think so and thank you for accepting me the way i am, however i won't thank you for teaching me to do funny faces.

like a wise man once said ''we cannot know what the future hold, we can only teach ourselves not to snatch''

you are in my now and i absolutly appreciate every moment of it. my personal gift from God. I love you darling.

Happy Annivarsary His Royal sweetness.


xo

Am allowed to steal a poem right?
too late i stole it already x_x


no longer a dream
Somewhere in my heart beyond all my pride
holds a secret desire so intense, deep inside.
Imprisoned with all my passion and love,
unknown to anyone but the one above.
A desire for someone to cherish and hold,
the need for a love to call my own.

Someone to kiss and make up with after fight.
Someone who can respect all I can be.
Someone who's strong enough to commit and love only me.
Someone who will be there and kiss away my tears, secure my doubts, and release me from all my fears.

Someone I can depend on to be my friend, someone who can restore my faith in love once again.
This love is like a dream yet to come true,
Or so I believed until I found you.

~ Candice S.