... At the foot of the Hill [Psalm 121]

May 27, 2010

Broken Camel!!!

27th May

I really think this is the last straw!!! For how long would i continue to act like a very big child?, or rather for how long will i continue to hang on to this string that is thinner than thin?, am really tired and i think i need a lesson on letting go...because that has been my greatest challenge...its really not that easy!!!

May 24, 2010

SilenT Wish...

It was a cold day and all she kept thinking was 'I hope they don’t catch me' So far this is the most risky step she has taken and she knew the consequences if she got caught, but she thought to herself ' it’s worth it, I don’t care damn the consequences!!!' and all she wanted to do was just live her life and enjoy the moment while it lasted, of course it was one of the best moments...as she approached her destination which was almost 5 hours drive from the home she shared with her mum, earlier that morning her mum called ''joy have you packed up your things for trip'' something leaped inside her knowing she had lied to her mum about going for a school trip with her classmates but it did not matter rite now the deed is done ''yes I have and I’d be leaving by 9'' she shouted through the hallway with that she looked at the clock in her bedroom that read 8:45 'ok time to go' she said to herself but the feeling of guilt still lingered knowing her mum was single and struggling to pay her tuition 'what if something happens to me?' she discarded the feeling off, all that was on her mind was the man she was going to meet, she had seen pictures but you know people don’t look exactly like their picture or do they? Right now she was just enjoying the thought of it all...he looked so handsome in his picture but...

there was always a but for every good that had happened to her lately she shook the thought and made her way through the hallway and to the front door 'bye mum see you in 3 days' was all that she could say knowing she could not bear the pain of lying to her mum's face, outside the door she hailed a cab and '....' it felt so unreal that it came out of her mouth but was she ready for this meeting or not?

it was too late for all the questions as the cab had moved to the highway now with the sign that bore "welcome to ...." it still felt so unreal that she could pull it off something in her leaped opps!!! she was nervous but ' it’s too late to back out now' something screamed at her, and she knew it...she got off the cab as it stopped in from of the hotel she planned to lodge in not familiar with the environment she just walked up to the receptionist 'hi, good evening I need a single bed room for 3days' she filled out the necessary forms and was directed to the room without wasting any more time the moment she had been waiting for 7 whole months was finally here..

she picked up her phone and dialled the already registered number in her head after 2 rings a deep voice answered "hello" hearing the familiar voice a smile came to her lips "hey how r u doing just letting you know am around" there was a short pause and she felt jealous for a second 'was he with her?' she asked herself 'I don’t care rite now I just want to enjoy the moment' came an answer to her own question as if he had been listening to her thought 'am home now at home send me the address of where you are and I’d meet you up k' there was a sense of relieve washed over her 'k I’d be expecting you later' trying to hide her excitement as hard as she could but she could hear it in her own voice clicking the exit button after sending the text she headed for the bathroom to freshen up knowing he would be around any minute, after a warm shower her phone rang and she flipped only to look at it and it read 'mum' with a sign she picked up the phone 'hi mum' 'are you there yet?' 'I got here safely its fun out here mum' liar! Lair!!Lair!!! 'got to go mum they are checking us into rooms love you' she pushed the red button before there was a response she pushed the guilt thoughts out of her mind and focus on him 'he would be here in ...' the ring from the phone pulled her out of her thought 'am here come down to the reception' she just kept jumping up and down not able to contain her joy she hurriedly gathered herself and composed herself and went out of the room trying not to look too excited she made her way to the reception.

she took a quick glance 'God he's tall' she moved closer 'you are john I guess u don’t look this tall in your pictures' was all she could think of to say after *rehearsing* a first meeting line as she called it 'you look shorter than I expect also that aside can we grab a bite' she was just filled just by see him but it’s no harm if I could sit with him 'of course am starving' even if she knew she was lying 'we could walk down to a restaurant around the corner...they have the best meals' they made their way out of the hotel and walked down the road when they arrived at the restaurant they got seats all the way in the back made their orders half way into the meal 'so what do you think of me?' john asked ...with a lot of things to say she was pretty careful with choice of words 'well..of course you know how I feel about you and now it just grew stronger because now there is a face to the voice' something nudged her that she had said enough she kept quite the rest of the meal listening to him tell her about his job...watching him talk felt very fulfilling y? She did not have any reason but...cutting off her thoughts he asked 'what are you doing tomorrow?' I came here to see him why is he asking me that she thought 'nothing I’ll be in my hotel room all day you? you will come keep me company rite?' ...'of course yes...I just have somethings to do but i'll be here by noon' she could feel her self smiling and she was not shy to let it show! he walked her back to the door of her room hugged her and bade her 'good night' she watched him walked down and admired his body frame 'wow he looks so good better than I imagined' she opened her door went straight to her suitcase and reached for her journal  

''dear journal, today has been absolutely amazing meeting john and all he was nothing I expected he was only better an what this guy I love so much loves me back that is even best but... really how are we going to manage it but he has said we should and that is exactly what am going to do push every negative thoughts outta ma mind a focus the present, I would not think of the consequences, I don’t care as long as john still feels this way about me nothing matters...now I can’t wait till tomorrow he is going to be here...that’s enough let me get rest...later''

She closed the journal headed straight for the bathroom to freshen up and jumped on the bed trying to recollect the events of the day but sleep caught up with her in less than 5minutes...

'OMG!!John is coming at noon! ‘she exclaimed as she looked at the time that read 11:45 with that she jumped out of bed and made her way to the bathroom, ran the warm water tap and in less than 5 mins she was out.. 'That was the quickest bath have taken in my entire life' she thought ‘it doesn’t matter now does it' another thought came to discard the first thought...pulling here suitcase out of the closet she picked out a pink tank top and a short denim skirt put on a light make up in a hurry knowing he would be there any second...'i hope he likes my look' she thought pulling her out of her thought was the beep from her phone and she had notifications to show john had called her 4 times and her mum had called her 3 time ..'oh! Poor widow she thinks her only child is on some school trip...mum am really sorry I lied to you but I just have the feeling you would not approve of me meeting men....

ok stop this now it’s not like she can hear you or something save the guilty speech till she finds out' she snapped at herself with that she picked up her phone and dialled his number to find out where he was at that time it was 12:01 wondering how she could get ready in such a short time she resumed the call after the first ring she heard d familiar voice that made her heart leap 'wow! That was quick' she said 'don’t blame me... I've missed you well am just walking into d hotel rite now' something leaped in her 'so save the stress am coming up to your room just do me a favour don’t make me knock for too long' hearing that she smiled and said 'y should I?' and hit d end button..

Less than 2 seconds after d call a sharp knock was on d door...she flinched 'was she nervous to b in d same room alone with a guy she loved...y should she?' discarding the thought and at d same time thinking ahead of what could happen between them she opened the door 'thanks for not making me wait out here for too long' he said 'you are always welcome dear' he stepped into the mini size room that had a chair, a medium size bed, a tv and a pretty view of the clouds through the windows 'i neva knew this place was this beautiful but i must say not as beautiful as you' 'thank you' she blused and she knew it but she could not help it so he took a sit on the chair and she laid across the bed they talked and laughed at everything and anything that they both said the chemistry was too obvious and they knew it as the hours passed by he look at his watch 'wow we've spent 3hrs chatting its funny how time flies when you are having fun'

She felt the tension in the air already and all she could do was smile with the hours gone by they had little or nothin to talk about and it started growing awkward as the seconds passed...'can i look @ your palms?' he said 'k! Now he wants to touch me...u don’t even know how hard it is for me to concentrate @ the moment now I know he wants trouble' as the thought passed through her mind she said 'sure why not' putting her close to tiny palms in his she felt a sense of safety 'it really feels so good' he said and was now stroking his thumb on her other index finger with the feelings all together she could not say a word anymore 'u r not saying anything again' he said 'am trying to concentrate with you caressing my fingers and all' she confessed, like he was waiting for her to 'I actually feel the same way' with the confessions he started stroking her long strong black hair 'ok! Am I thinking right now??I cannot think!! OMG! This feels so good' trying to just enjoy the moment she pushed all the thought away from her mind then he stood up from the chair he sat after looking in her eyes and stroking her hair for close to 2mins 'he is standing up!!! this does not look good but feels good' pulling her up from her lying position to sit beside her and at that moment he place his lips on hers 'he is kissing me ahhhhhhh!!don’t think just enjoy the moment dear!' as the kiss intensified they ended up in each other’s arms lying close to each other he pulled away from the kiss to catch his breath ‘wow! U my dear are a real good kisser' and feeling exceptionally happy with what just transpired between them she said 'you are not bad yourself it was really one of the best moments ...' she was cut off by the vibration of john's phone ignoring it 'are you not going to answer your phone?'...'no! It’s her and I don’t want to raise any suspicions do you understand?' determined not to let anything ruin her fun more like joy she nodded to affirm with that she kissed him again and more passionately this time as of it would really make him forget about her...'I love you! And I really want to make you happy all the time and thank you for being there for me' he said 'you are welcome' she excused herself to use the bathroom and by the time she got back from the bathroom he was up like he was really to go 'my mum called and I need to run an errand for her before the next hour’ with disappointment written all over her she replied ‘baby do you have to go??' 'am sorry I know you are not happy' after a long good night kiss he left it was then she looked at the time that read '8:15pm wow really it’s funny how time flies when u r having a good time' she then went into the bathroom to take a warm bath she took her time knowing she did not have her quality bath time inn d morning, getting out of the bathroom she dried her body got in to a sleeping robe and picked her journal 

''Dear journal today was absolutely better than yesterday!! We actually kissed, I really felt a connection with him...it was magical I have never felt this way about someone before...really why is there always a but to every good thing that happens to me??I know he loves me and all but...y is he so attached to her? These are the questions I don’t have answers to...I really just had a strong feeling when I watched him go...that it was for good and for life!!!''

Wiping the tears from her eyes as reality struck her she knew it @ d back of her mind that it was over, but still hoping that she was mistaking...her phone beeped and it was john

'hope u r not asleep yet because I have something to discuss with you' trying hard not to sound unhappy 'am listening watts up?' she felt her gut twist and knew by the tone of his voice it was not going to be a pleasant discussion 'well...' he paused 'joy I know how you feel about me and don’t get me wrong I feel the same way but I love my sister very much and she doesn’t approve of you so...' 'say no more...I think I’ve heard enough' she cut him off 'I know exactly what you are trying to say and I understand perfectly I’ll be leaving 1st thing tomorrow morning' with that she hung up not ready to listen to any excuses or apologies now tears were rolling down her eyes...'why have I been such a fool, I should have seen it coming with all the talk of his sister now I know I’ve lost him for good...there is no turning back' when it was dawn she packed up her bags and left the hotel inside the cab as she was leaving she knew deep down that it was really over, now she was going way for leaving him behind forever...

Now on her window-sill 5months later remembering an aspect of her life that was long gone...she knew she still had a very strong feeling for john but he was a thing of the past...looking out at the horizon with a feeling of fulfillment she smiled...