... At the foot of the Hill [Psalm 121]

Oct 29, 2012

Why Niger

Making my way through the other wanna-be corpers, with my tiny self and people pushing and shoving, I got to the front and traced  “DL” against my name, my head quickly did a mental calculation to mean DELTA, trying to be sure I traced again, this time I got “NG” looking confused now because I had no mental calculation of what or where that meant, with the cold water feeling… Whats a cold water feeling? You know when the day is really cold and you still trying to make yourself warm then someone pours you cold water out of wickedness and you too weak to speak or even retaliate? Yeah! That’s the cold water feeling.
Anyways, I found out that NG means Niger state and from then on without knowing what to expect I blanked out – mentally and I was indifferent about it all, preparation for camp went into full swing and the day finally came, it felt like I jumped out of my life and started watching it in 3D, I was like a walking zombie for the next one week (Its not pretty walahi)
I had absolutely no idea why God dropped me here but somewhere at the back of my mind I knew it was for a purpose and I wrote somethings down that I wanted to achieve before the end  (I wrote about it here) Its one NYSC calendar year already and I can say I got more out of the experience than I set out to.
January was the defining moment for me, with the security issues and subsidy issues in the country, the question then was: Will you go back? You really don’t want to know the number of people that came to my house to give me countless reasons not to go back (Especially Titus) my friends, pastors wife, family friends one-by-one they kept coming to convince me to relocate and for some reason (Now that I think f it, the strength wasn't from me) I stood my grounds, deep inside of me I was worried but I couldn't afford to let it show. My dad still asked me the night before I left when he saw me packing “So, you are going?” I knew they didn't want me to go but they are the kind of people that wont hold you back from whatever you decide to do, so they formed “supporting me” (God bless them for me) Looking back now, I do not regret coming down here.
The Lows
I lived alone and as much as I loved my space, sometimes I wished I wasn’t cooking for myself alone, sometimes I wished I had a friend around I could tell stuff to, don’t get me wrong I had people around me just didn’t have people I could open up to.
The boredom was real and I watched it live. Work started becoming a routine, some stubborn children, Employer wahala, I started getting depressed. Nights upon nights I cried myself to sleep, Everything didn't matter again, I wanted out, not just out of NYSC, Out of life itself, It was 11th April, 2012. (I wrote about it here.) I thought of ways to end it all, Amidst all the thinking and depression I was wallowing in, I remembered a voice on the other end of the line that said to me “Who would I now talk to” (If you ever read this, it’s a memory I would forever cherish) That pulled me out of my wallowing and reminded me of the people that loved me.
The Highs
I pray this prayer “Dear God, Help me to help people” and it was also one of my goals this one year, although I didn't do what I really really wanted to do but the smiles I got after a class or after ding something for someone was the answer to my prayer. He did help me to help a few people within my capacity and I wouldn't have had it any other way, I was raw tears of Joy and that alone made my year and I whispered “Thank you for answering my prayers”
The not so regular hangout with my peeps was something that lifted my spirit a lot too and am grateful for the people that I met.
Staying alone, Sundays are not the same because there is no mummy to shout-wake you and remind you not to be late to church, I had to choose to go to church, and also be punctual. Church was a whole different experience, maybe because I was going because I really wanted to go or because my goal to build a relationship with God was really genuine, bottom line is it was different and I can say with all the confidence he has given me that I LOVE GOD.

Lessons Learnt
I was talking about passing out with a friend recently and he asked me “So, what are you taking back with you from kontagora” The summary of the answer is a different Tomilola.
The new tomilola:
Loves God
Has sooo much confidence in Christ
Has embraced her flaws and is working on them
Is Happier
Has switched from 80% Sad to 80% Happy
Enjoys reading the Bible (I mean I don’t fall asleep)
Thinks about things a whole lot more
Is really Thankful
Paying more attention t her writing
And I Absolutely Love her!!!!
I am far from perfect but right now i'm contended with everything God has given me and I am very grateful, I am very open to correction and I try to constantly evaluate myself to know my wrongs.
I lost a lot of things during this service year but its all for the better and more importantly I trust God for everything and he is working in places I cannot see.
I am grateful to everyone that I came in contact with during this year and most especially the people that were there for me all through, I don’t have anything to give you but I know God would bless you all for me! Thank you.
And to the people that asked me “Why Niger”, so sorry it took me this long to answer your question but there you have it.
To the people getting their posting and are worried about it, truth is God would never give you more than you can bear. Be open minded and enjoy the experience. The good. The bad. The ugly. The lessons. And Everything.

I am glad I came to Niger state and I feel fulfilled and I wont change the experience for anything else in the world.

Oct 17, 2012

Tramped: The Flip Side

I want to say a huge Congratulations to my fellow Batch C corpers passing out! Its been a rollercoaster One year and I'm glad its over, may God see us through the next phase!

Now Enjoy the Flip Side! :D Don't forget to drop your comments!

"I made it" I screamed as I got to my finish line, my goal.
Imagine my disappointment when I heard I have to be patient to get my price, my medal.
Did I just hear 279 days? Who are these people and what's with their rule of "growth" before you get a medal you earned?
You just never understand.
* * *
90 days and waiting...
I don't even know where I am, things are put in place for me to know or understand what's going on. As I heard. All in due time.
Till then, I wait. I grow.
* * *
155 days and waiting...
Things are different now "They" finally put it in place.
Wow! I can feel it, its a dark place.
Very dark.
There is liquid too,
I hear a voice, that's the first voice after all these days,
Such a relief, I feel safer now, I'm not alone.
But why is the voice shouting? Or is that a cry?
Why does it make me sad?
* * *
217 days and waiting...
This place is getting tight,
I'm getting tired of this darkness, I hear the same voice often, but why is she always sad? I want to meet her, if only, just to tell her everything would be alright.
I'm becoming impatient,
I kick at the door.
Its excited her more than I expected, she is supposed to be angry, I kick again. This time she warns me to stop, I obey.
Maybe she would let me out earlier on good behaviour.
* * *
279 days and the wait is over
Its happening anytime soon, those doors will open and I will finally meet her and get my medal,
I hope all this wait is worth the price.
* * *
Why are they all gathered around me? Why are you turning me upside down? I let out a scream "Don't you know that hurts?"
Where is she? Where is she?
Beginning to sound like a panic attack, but there she was, they handed me to her, I feel safe.
Yes. If this is the medal I waited for then I can say it was worth the wait.
* * *
The price is worth it, I can say that a million times over, I still don't know where I am but I'm glad there is no more darkness.
There is so much light but I don't care, I recognise the voice, I recognise the safety.
Victory feels good, You should try it.
* * *
Why does she look sad?
Is it because I cannot do things myself - yet? "I'm sorry woman" I really don't like seeing you sad.
Will my smile make you smile? I really can't help it, I have to grow right? But I'm sure I would make up for this sleepless nights I give you - Just give me time
* * *
The lights are out, I don't want to wake her - Again, but I don't feel comfortable. "I've pooed on myself - Again" I let out the cry
This is my only way of letting her know, she always understands.
She is up, I trust her to wake up - Everytime.
I should play a prank on her sometime.
I felt her hands move, I was happy, she was going to relieve me of the mess I made.
But I was wrong, she went for my mouth, how come she got it wrong this time?
I tried to cry out again instead I felt a darkness, a familiar darkness. Just like the one during the wait.
* * *
I can't help myself, I'm only a baby.
I still feel the darkness, then suddenly a light and this man in white, he called himself an angel.
He lifted me.
"Where is she?"
"Does she not love me?"
"Where am I going?"
"Where is this place?"
With a reassuring look in his eyes he said "She loves you,but now I take you to daddy"

Oct 14, 2012

Tramped: Sequel

Where is my Adanna, My Nkem, My Pearl
I thought she was beautiful, I thought she was pure but she is wicked, cruel, deceitful
I refuse to spit out the foul words
Head in my hands, the anguish that plagues my heart
She allowed death to cheat her
People would never understand what I've done, they will blame and call me names but she caused it

I can't go back now
I have already threaded the path
The children must not see, I am the man of the house
Why are they so many
I blame the temptress; she allowed my loins to indulge me
She knew the imperfection I was and still married me and I couldn't refuse her plea to keep them
She held such power

So, I punish her because she is a constant reminder of my Nkem
I start the ritual that I couldn't stop
As I spread out her laps and indulged myself in what laid between
She was soft like her mother and even more perfection
And every time I sought her, the demons inside me urged on
The insidious things I did to the fruit of my loins

The world will never understand, I will always be the guilty one
The senile beast that lived in the world but I had my own battles
They had to know that, they had to understand
She was much more beautiful than the woman that birth her
Her walk, her face, and her food tasted just like my nwanyi oma used to make them

Where has she gone now
I notice her absence again, she has begun to miss our rituals
She must be punished this time around, she thinks I do not notice that she leaves
The house just before I awaken, I never sleep
I want her and I can't hold back, she had the audacity to be my Nkem's replica
She came between us

I notice she is getting bigger just the way Adanna used to when she would come with the dreaded news

Could it be?

She was just as vile then
I cannot take back my actions now, I behold her face and fall to the ground weak
I am a coward I know
It's been two months since she's been gone; it's just as well if she never returns
her younger ones worry and I soothe them, they are too young to understand
and it is just as well

As I lay on my bed that night for once my demons allow me rest

This piece was written by Tinu (@Pulchae) I Love her writing and she blogs here http://pearlpulchae.wordpress.com Do check it out! (Y)

Errrrmmm..... There is going to be a flipside to the story. Watchout! Oya! I don't want to come and hype and not deliver tho'. I'm working on something tho'.

Thanks for stopping by - Again!!! :)

Oct 9, 2012


Staring at the full length mirror watching the tears drop from the top of the fleshy arch, I feel it trickle to the bottom.
I hate you.
I now have C-cups, what happened to me beautiful B-cups?
My eyes are swollen, not from crying, all thanks to you. I can't even see those pretty legs of mine.
And my curves? I don't even want to talk about it.
You have taken my youth away. Well I gave you the power, I can only blame myself.
Right here I feel it, or do you make me pee on myself too? Or you just ready to show your face?
I don't want to know the answer to that, Let me call my sister.

I can't tell you the story of how you go here. Too sad.
Too late. You're here already.
The story of the fireworks and magic you hear happens from the first look. I didn't see it.
I look at you and all I see is one that took my youth from me.
All I see is one that made me the talk of the school.
All I see is one that got me pity stares as I walked along the street.
All I see is not you.
You are beautiful but I do not notice.
I'm busy hating you.
Tomorrow, I go to the gym.
Sure! I'ld love to take you along but I'ld drop you by the way.
* * *

Its 4:45am, the gym is by the corner, let's go on a trip first, somewhere far.
But wait! Have I said "I hate you" today?
I'm excited about this journey, let's call it a journey to my youth - Again.
You only follow me half way, I go the rest alone.
Please don't give me that look, its not going to work.
Did Jesus tell you the story of moses?
Okay! This would be similar, only I don't have a basket and there are no lakes around just gutters.

Its 5:30am.
This is half way.
Time to turn back to my youth.
You've done enough damage.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I hear about Silver spoons and some children born with them in their mouth, does the baby come out of the woman with the spoon?
Oh! Its just an expression, I get it now.
Now that I know, if I relate it to myself I would have to ask the question " What does a spoon look like?"
You know what's even sad? Our kid is asking the same question. Not for long.
Before you start to judge me, listen to my story

* * *

Waking up from the heat staring at the clock it 2am and there is no light as usual, moving my brother's leg off mine, I stood up, tip toed over the rest and went outside for fresh air. Staring at the stars, its the only hope I have, I know there has to be an opposite of this suffering.

Gave a heavy sigh just thinking of going back into that house, Its a room apartment, I'm the first child, I'm ashamed to say how many other siblings I have, good I can still count them on my 10 fingers. What was mummy thinking having us all? Gave another sigh thinking about her, she should not have left us, she was the bread winner. There was hope. May her soul rest in peace. I stare at the stars again, I need hope.

Daddy keeps reminding me that I am now the mummy of the house and I have to start doing mummy duties.
I didn't understand the rest of the mummy duties till I felt the tap at 2am.
2am everyday for a week I did mummy duties that I couldn't wash off with a bath in the morning. He disgusted me. I disgusted me. Now, I stood up every 2am.
2am outside the house was my escape from my disgusting reality.
I started sleeping during the day and staying up all night

"You this girl you are getting fatter o" My friend said when she came to see me one evening, I told her how I've been sleeping a lot more and she laughed and teased me some more about it.

* * *

"We have to run some tests to know exactly what's wrong with you" the doctor said and I couldn't imagine bola giving me money again, she only agreed to give me this one because she saw how badly I looked covered up.
I gave a deep sigh

"I honestly don't have money for any test"
Holding the results in my hands, I knew what this meant, the doctor did not have an idea and was wondering why the tears came down, how can I explain to him that I am carrying my fathers child?
The doctor says its a rear case considering the fact that I didn't know for the first 6months, I just sat there through the rest of his talk about ant-*natal, I thank him for the tests and left.

Its 2am and the cry wakes me up, I can't do this anymore. I put my hands over his mouth to shut him up, then he stopped crying after a while and he stopped moving.
He is getting cold.
I carry him and I feel nothing, I know I don't have the money to take care of him but I didn't mean to make him cold.
Maybe I just didn't know I meant it.
I try not to panic. I stood up, wrapped him up, picked a few of my things and left.

Standing outside with my mistake in hand, I find the nearest dumpstar, dropped him and with tears rolling uncontrollably, I walked away from my mistake - Forever!


I have been seeing a lot of pictures of dead abandoned babies recently and it honestly got to me, I kept crying to God for mercy, then I asked myself why? In the process I decided to put myself in different stories and it wasn't a pretty ride. This is just my attempt to get it from their perspective.

Oct 2, 2012

Th3ee + 1ne

I woke up to the ringtone of my phone
How come I recognised it?
No one ever calls
I Picked.
The voice asked just one question
What is your story?
No one has asked me that before
With tears, I narrated
Before he hung up I asked his name
"Hope" he replied. Click. *Beep*

"Anyone who is among the living has hope - even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!" Ecc 9:4

Grabbed from behind, I knew it was going to happen someday. The day had come.
He whispered into my ears,
I can't make out the sentence.
I'm terrified.
I look over my shoulder every 5mins walking through this narrow path everyday.
Today it played out.
He whispered again, this time clearly.
"I'm fear and I take you with me today"

"Do not be afraid of them; the lord your God himself will fight for you" Deut 3:22

Staring at the mirage. It looks different from what I see.
Its the first of its kind,
Its beautiful, ever seen a beautiful mirage? No? Me neither.
This one has me in it, with my hopes and dreams.
I can't go too close, we know the story of the mirage. It disappears.
But I watch from the "safe" distance.
I smile. It is real.
He stood by me, Faith he called himself and placed the beautiful mirage in my hands.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Heb 11:1

Sitting by the roadside with my plate. My precious plate, Begging - Again.
I smell. I know. Can't afford a bath.
Everybody walks pass this little girl everyday not even a coin to spare.
Just like everyday I sit and wait. Nothing - As Usual. Then unusual happens.
He walks past me, he stopped, then walked back. He is dumb, but he spared his coin - from his plate and a smile, I couldn't miss the smile, I smiled back.
Something else I didn't miss, what he hung on his chest.
"I'm love. I don't speak. I act"

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth" 1John 3:18

"Now these 3 remain: Faith, Hope, Love but the greatest of all is Love" I Cor 13:13
Thanks for Stopping by

The Brush

This was another story i wrote in those times. A big shout out to @DeboAj for pushing me even when i didn't feel like (i know i still owe you one more story), and to those of you that are reading this blog i appreciate it more than you can imagine, you'll should see the grin on my face when i know you read. it looks like this...

Thanks for that smile ;D
So, Enjoy The very short ''The Brush''

I picked up the brush and it all went away, 
it was a whole new world, different from the one I knew.
All that mattered here was just my emotions, Creativity, colours and the brush.
The pain.
The hurt.
The stares.
The discrimination.
It all goes away when I pick up the brush.
I'm a man.
I'm an artist
And I'm gay.  

x_x What do you think?