.......Crystal Clearance

Receiving that phone call from the group manager saying I should see him by 4.30 today just did it for me.

What? Am I the only one?

What does he want to see me for again?

I'm sure its about that closing hours review I talked about

Who woulda known that I ran from lagos because I didn't want stress for a whole year and here they are trying to make my stay here a living hell. Crap!

Just picked up my bag and left, couldn't wait to just get into my room, I got in and the tears just kept rolling in uncontrollably.

I think I need a shrink.

I've gotten to that stage where I don't tell my self half truths anymore although the truth hurts, it also sets free (btw this aint no motivational speaking)

This is the only place I've known most of my life, I can probably count the happy moments in all my 21years, I only know how to be sad, I don't know how to be happy, so yeah I take advantage of every sad thing that happens to me and live in the moment! Yes LIVE in it.

Before you go on, lemmie warn there is no moral to this story, this is just me letting it all out and saying it ALL as it comes to my mind...

Why enjoys being hurt?? Or being sad??? Yes me! I don't think I am to blame for that one, its the only familiar place I know asides from the dark room..

I walked on the darkest side of it all April 11 2012... Coming from a frustrated day at work, alone in my room, nursing pain, regrets, bad decisions and mistakes I had made... I begged God to take me away from this earth, at that moment Nothing else mattered to me, all the "inspirational talk" had gone down the drain, rolls of tissue wasted, Eyes swollen, I felt really empty, bad part? I had no one to talk to expect who I was asking to end it all for me, I had the perfect plan, I had just written "drowning" and felt it would be perfect way to end it all, but ofcourse 24hrs later I kept seeing images of my folks, my sisters and I remembered the voice I heard on the other end of the line one night I had an attack "who would I talk to" then I snapped out of it all with tears and begged God to forgive me and promised not to take away the life he had given me. And I knew if things didn't work out at that moment it would eventually. I told my sister about it so atleast she would keep checking on me incase I started having depressing thoughts again.

Gladly that phase is over and I would never EVER think of killing myself no matter what! Still this familiar place still lingers, I genuinely want to be happy, I don't like crying all the time.
I want all the hurt to go away. I just want to be happy!!

Yeah I hear it's a choice, but one can't just switch from 80% Sad to 100% Happy right???

I wish it was so easy. I'm just tried of keeping up the charade like I'm not hurting inside....

I don't know the point of this post but I'm just writing to see if I would feel better.